someone get that fucking seahorse.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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