Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
