Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
