The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Come see our sink grown plant.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Randomize
