What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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