You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
