On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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