My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
