I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
