I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
