Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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