fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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