My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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