Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
