I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
