Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
