You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
