sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
this boner is exhausting
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
