I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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