God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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