When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
