I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
