Can i not drive my cunt home
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
