god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
