when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
