My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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