take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
