mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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