you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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