he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
