Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
