my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
