i jhust puked up my retainher.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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