Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
