i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
