I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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