Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
