i was born a porn star she said
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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