I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
