there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
