Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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