do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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