I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
