apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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