went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
two words: eviction party
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
