I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
