What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
