when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
