How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
