Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
